A perfectly quiet restaurant ...

And then walked in a nightmare: Californian brothers (not beautiful people), gap year girl (confident, not pretty, English, loud) and her gigolo (although she doesn’t realise it, silly girl). The brothers are notable in the alternative ways in which they have managed to become intensely unattractive. The oldest, perhaps 28 in age and a few stones less in weight, is cheerful, with the bright, high pitched voice that marks him out as particularly ludicrous. He has pink pink cheeks, a goatee, slightly greasy hair and looks as though he is just about to pop. He orders food, emphasising the LARGE option. His younger brother, 23, dreadlocks, just the one double chin and not hanging excessively over his belt, is covered in tattoos. Not attractive tattoos. They couldn’t be really. His arms are large, but white, flabby, unhealthy, with long, coarse black hairs. Not the sort of arms to have tattoos. The gigolo however does have the arms for tatoos - brown, strong, bulging. He is Thai and around his biceps there are inscribed, in a deep, dull blue ink, lines of sinuous looping Thai script. His English is good, with a slight American accent and he plays his role well. Gap year girl is loud, innocent and swears a great deal. At a guess this is her first stop. She is still trying to show her confidence, showing off, swearing a good deal and talking too much, too fast, too openly. She must be thrilled with her new boyfriend, for with looks like hers she will get no better. Hope he doesn’t cost her too much before she comes to her senses.