I read in this mornings Internatioal Herald Tribune that airlines are working on the idea of offering ultra basic services on long haul flights in the same way that they have been doing on European flights for some years. I forget exactly how they refered to the services, but basically they offer the minimum of frills but very affordable prices. By the end of the year it appears that one airline will offer a single fare from London to Hongkong at about the same price as a train ticket from London to Edinburgh -- remarkable.
How could Gulf Air cut the fat from its long haul service to achieve the necessary economies? They could start with the obvious I suppose. No blankets will be provided -- if passengers ask for them the stewardess will look perturbed, open an overhead bin or two, and then tell you she is going to look for them. You will never see her again. When the drinks trolley comes past, only soft drinks will be on display and offered, although passengers wanting something stronger may ask. The seat pitch will be reduced so that it is just possible for the average male to physically fit in the space left. The seats themselves will remain in service long beyond the stage when they are ready for replacement. If customers complain that they are uncomfortable, slope in the wrong direction or are covered in stains, stewardesses will be trained to smile apologetically, say that they will see what they can do to find you another seat and then disappear mysteriously, never to return. Food will be served, but of a low quality and plastic cutlery will be provided to save on cleaning bills. The toilets will not be checked, cleaned or otherwise maintained throughout flights - making it possible to pay flight attendants less and generally lower the expectations of the passengers. After all, if they have just escaped a hellish bathroom, dripping with urine and littered with paper towels and discarded diapers, they will be grateful for the rest of the service, which will be marginally better. Finally, as a special economy, they will encourage a large proportion of Lebanese flight staff, whom they will pay minimal salaries. The Lebanese will be grateful of course as they will be able to escape Israeli shelling at home and as a special concession, they will be allowed to wear huge amounts of makeup and to be rude to passengers from the Asian subcontinent.
Now the above economy measures should allow Gulf Air to offer flights from Malaysia to Bahrain for lets say US$150. Oh...but they have made all those economy measures already? So what will they do? I have a few suggestions. Meals will be served - a plastic bag of Arabic bread and a plate of humus per row. The toilet will be converted to a squat and all paper supplies removed. By carefully arranging a hose so that its end falls into the toilet pan they will discourage its use and consequently maintenance costs. Air crew will all be made redundant. Instead the wealthy Middle East clients will be given a ten percent discount if they allow their domestic servants to lend a helping hand throughout the flight. Airport fees will be reduced by having passengers walk across the runway. Finally, alcohol and pork, served in unmarked containers, will be available to all for a nominally exorbitant charge.
How could Gulf Air cut the fat from its long haul service to achieve the necessary economies? They could start with the obvious I suppose. No blankets will be provided -- if passengers ask for them the stewardess will look perturbed, open an overhead bin or two, and then tell you she is going to look for them. You will never see her again. When the drinks trolley comes past, only soft drinks will be on display and offered, although passengers wanting something stronger may ask. The seat pitch will be reduced so that it is just possible for the average male to physically fit in the space left. The seats themselves will remain in service long beyond the stage when they are ready for replacement. If customers complain that they are uncomfortable, slope in the wrong direction or are covered in stains, stewardesses will be trained to smile apologetically, say that they will see what they can do to find you another seat and then disappear mysteriously, never to return. Food will be served, but of a low quality and plastic cutlery will be provided to save on cleaning bills. The toilets will not be checked, cleaned or otherwise maintained throughout flights - making it possible to pay flight attendants less and generally lower the expectations of the passengers. After all, if they have just escaped a hellish bathroom, dripping with urine and littered with paper towels and discarded diapers, they will be grateful for the rest of the service, which will be marginally better. Finally, as a special economy, they will encourage a large proportion of Lebanese flight staff, whom they will pay minimal salaries. The Lebanese will be grateful of course as they will be able to escape Israeli shelling at home and as a special concession, they will be allowed to wear huge amounts of makeup and to be rude to passengers from the Asian subcontinent.
Now the above economy measures should allow Gulf Air to offer flights from Malaysia to Bahrain for lets say US$150. Oh...but they have made all those economy measures already? So what will they do? I have a few suggestions. Meals will be served - a plastic bag of Arabic bread and a plate of humus per row. The toilet will be converted to a squat and all paper supplies removed. By carefully arranging a hose so that its end falls into the toilet pan they will discourage its use and consequently maintenance costs. Air crew will all be made redundant. Instead the wealthy Middle East clients will be given a ten percent discount if they allow their domestic servants to lend a helping hand throughout the flight. Airport fees will be reduced by having passengers walk across the runway. Finally, alcohol and pork, served in unmarked containers, will be available to all for a nominally exorbitant charge.
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